It’s been a long time since I last blogged and the first time since my daughter died. I don’t know if this blog site still has it’s place in my life, part of me feels it was intended to in some way prepare me for the death of Sapphire, it may have served it’s time. But I will see.
I have lots of blog notes to write in, this entry revolves around the following few lines of scripture;
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40: 28- 31
Often I feel weary, I feel stuck, unable to walk. Sometimes my grief consumes me, it feels like I’m standing still while everyone else (and life) rushes forwards and onwards.
Ever since this earth came into being, life has been moving forwards. Nature grows and expands, dies and grows again. The Earth continues to rotate and orbit, the sun rises and sets. People progress; learn more – all goes forwards. To be stuck goes against the laws of nature – it’s not a place I’m meant to be.
Sometimes I feel like I am walking forwards. When I decide to turn inwards I find I can take God’s hand or feel God’s embrace I feel like I make some progress with “getting on with life”. It seems like at the moment, this is the only way I am going to get through this mess in my head – my loneliness, my yearning for Sapphire , my insecurity, my anxiousness. Will life be ever the same? No. But the words of Isaiah remind me of a God who loves me, will not abandon me, who has all the strength that I will need. I need to remember this, at the moment I’m spending a lot of time away from God- out in the wilderness – generally wandering around aimlessly.
Whilst I don’t feel capable of flying or even running, in those times of strength I continue to walk forwards, even though it hurts (like walking on broken glass) no matter how hard it is to go to where I am taken. No matter how many times I ask myself “Why did Sapphire die?”
